stop underestimating Paulina

One summer afternoon I joined my parents for an evening boat ride with two of my favourite people on the planet (my godparents.) There were SO many eye-opening moments from this evening, that I felt the need to address their problematic nature/how I can learn and grow from these moments. Right out of the gate, the very moment we all got onto the boat, I offered to be the last one on. This meant I would be heling my father steer the boat away from the dock and that I would jump on at the last minute. As soon as the boat began to reverse, everyone on the boat began to underestimate me. The direction that the boat was headed in made it seem as though it would be a *bit* of a challenge for me to jump onto the boat if it kept moving away from the dock at that speed. I did not doubt my own capability to handle this challenge because 1) this wasn’t my first time doing this and 2) I also knew that I was dressed in swimwear, and that worst case scenario I would fall into the river on a hot summer evening. HOWEVER, even if this moment was as near-death a moment as my present company was treating it, I would like to believe that I am smart/capable/brave enough to figure out how to remedy/survive in this type of situation. Sadly, no one share this level of confidence in my ability because the entire time the boat was reversing my mother kept insisting that I get on the boat much sooner than I had. (This would have resulted in the possibility of the boat being scratched alongside the dock and the boat lift.) Finally, after it was made ABUNDANTLY clear that I knew what I was doing, my godmother said “Maybe we should have a bit of faith in Paulina and trust that she’s capable to handle challenging situations. After all, she did just drive across the entire country by herself.” (More on that story later.) GEE! What a concept. What a time to be alive. The fact that this inaugural moment of clarity happened so early on in the evening is eerily and frustratingly telling of how problematic/troublesome certain comments about Paulina were about to become.

Next up on this list, underestimating Paulina’s ability to pursue a career in the field of clinical psychology. *BIG SHOCKING MOMENT* Did you KNOW that I am passionate about the field of psychology and the advocacy for mental health in general? Well… if you didn’t, you clearly aren’t paying enough attention. I digress. Once we were finished gawking about the accomplishments/accolades of the rest of my family members, we eventually moved towards Paulina’s future plans for school. This is where I indicated that I would like to relocate to Vancouver (or relocate in general) to purse a Master’s in Psychology. Immediately someone chimed in and wanted to make sure I knew how mentally challenging that this “intense” career would be, and that before I decided to pursue this path, I should consider/keep in mind something else, something “easier.” UGH. While I understand that the intention of a comment like this comes from a place of love, SERIOUSLY fuck right off. I found it spooky that a prevalent theme from therapy that week was being underestimated/misunderstood and being able to prove the people in your life wrong. (Hence, the suggestion of the half-marathon in secret.) I am not sure if this was the universe speaking to me, or perhaps these types of moments have been happening all along and I am only now able to pinpoint their problematic nature due to the incredible tools/insight that I am learning both on my own and with the help from therapy. Interesting stuff, folks.

***

This particular endeavor reminded me of an “aha” moment that I had earlier that same year. It was another clear reminder of both my tendency to underestimate myself and the far too regular occurrences of my inability to recognize my own value and worth. One afternoon I was driving home when I saw the most adorable little three-legged dog crossing a street. It completely melted my heart. When I drove by the dog and its owner, there was a car that was trying to turn right, and it was waiting for them to both finish crossing the street. Given that this adorable angel only had three legs, it was obviously a bit slower than most, but that did NOT stop it. Doggy completely CRUSHED that walk. As I watched all of this unfold while I was at a red light opposite from the scene, the entire time I was aggressively high-pitched cheering for my new dog bestie. As I drove away when the light turned green, I caught myself saying out loud:

“Can you imagine if I was as supportive to myself as I was with this totally random dog?”

Big Yikes. This realization had me thinking, a lot. Mostly about dogs and how wonderful the world is with them in it, and how we don’t deserve their love. It ALSO had me thinking a lot about the way I speak/think to myself and how I will sometimes allow Karen take over. As outlandish and childish as this may seem, as I continued to drive home, I thought to myself, do you think this BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING, AND PERFECT dog is worried about the what-ifs?

“What if I can’t cross the street fast enough??” “What if people are watching me?”

“What will the OTHER DOGGOS think?”

Nonsense! In honour of this beautiful treasure, that day I decided to make a vow to myself to call Karen out a lot more. Whenever she tries to enter the brain and hit me with some “What-Ifs,” I’m going to make the conscious effort to contradict each and every one. For instance, “What if I can’t handle switching programs in school, and taking a full-time course-load while still working full time hours?” “What if you CAN handle it?” It seems like such a small and simple change, but it’s a good habit to try to get accustomed to. A small, yet manageable improvement that I could consistently (try to) keep up with, instead of quitting/abandoning when they don’t go exactly according to plan on the first try. Most days I can do my best to silence the doubts and worries, but as is true for most people, there are certainly days when I find myself being my own worst enemy.

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