How talking with young men can help prevent sexual assault

The lives of the boys you know will almost certainly be touched by sexual violence. Boys may come to know this violence as they respond to a daughter, friend, sister, or spouse who has survived it. They may come to know it as they interact with other boys and men who have perpetrated it. They will likely come to know it as the media and their colleagues pass on lessons about it. They may even come to survive it or perpetrate it themselves. So why do we not talk to them about sexual violence when they will surely see its influence as they look back on their journeys into manhood?

In my experience, boys always have something to say and questions to ask when given the chance to share. They are waiting for an opportunity to unleash their fears, flesh out their viewpoints, and confront their anxieties about the violence that they know exists in the world and the policies surrounding it. They recognize that sexual violence is relevant to their lives, but so few adults ever take the time to give them a space to process complicated concepts and develop their values. We avoid this responsibility because we might see sexual violence as rare — as something that is relegated to the nightly news and does not warrant any further discussion. Others of us are well aware of the scope of sexual violence but do not realize that there is anything to be done about it. And still others know that there is work to be done but are unprepared to have tough conversations with boys.

We must recognize sexual violence as preventable behavior that a rising generation of boys can play a role in eliminating. Talking to girls about how to avoid violent men comes to us naturally enough, but history has clearly shown that placing the burden of prevention solely on them is inadequate. A more holistic approach involving the other half of the global population is needed to combat violence on a cultural scale.

Whether we are unequipped, afraid, or unaware of the urgency of the problem, we spend little to no time empowering boys to raise their voices against sexual violence. That leaves them in the hands of a world that minimizes and normalizes it. I did not learn to raise my voice until concerned teachers pulled me aside and asked me to help. You too can extend an invitation to the boys in your life. In a better world, they will know the following:

1. They will recognize that they personally know survivors of sexual violence even though these survivors may not disclose themselves.

2. They will learn that how they react to these survivors could have a huge impact on their well-being.

3. They will recognize that they also know perpetrators. Violent men are rarely masked outcasts, and how boys react to them may go a long way in determining how these men perceive their actions.

4. They will understand that ensuring that they do not perpetuate violence themselves requires more than just understanding that “no means no.”

5. They will accept that not being personally violent does not excuse them from caring about a brand of violence that affects hundreds of thousands.

6. They will recognize that they are free to break from the “manly” choices preselected for them. For starters, they will know that it is acceptable to be upset by violence even though society does not always give boys and men permission to admit this.

7. They will see that breaking from traditional expectations of men can bring its own rewards.

8. They will realize that others may come to stand with them when they decide to stand against violence. When they do, they will be joining a global community of concerned women and men who seek to eradicate sexual violence.

9. They will see that there are many ways that they can use their voices to help. To name a few, they can interrupt comments and attitudes that diminish the seriousness of sexual violence, treat survivors with dignity, develop strategies for ensuring consent in their own lives, and challenge their peers to do the same.

10. They will understand that it may take time and practice to become effective at sharing their voices.

11. They will believe that rape and sexual assault do not have to exist and that boys and men can play a critical role in ending them.

Sending unprepared boys into the world is not an option. We live in a nation where many boys will come to know victims, will know others who victimize, will be victimized themselves, or will knowingly or unknowingly commit acts of violence of their own. Few caretakers of boys want to think of their children as belonging to any of these groups, but the numbers guarantee that most boys will find themselves in at least one of them as they mature into adults. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that 18.3% of women and 1.4% of men in the United States experience an attempted rape or a completed rape in their lifetimes.1 And there are plenty of sources with higher estimates. We leave boys on their own to face this reality.

No boy is immune from sexual violence touching his life. Even should he beat the odds and go through life without the companionship of someone who has survived or perpetrated sexual violence, he will still interact daily with a culture that produces and normalizes copious amounts of violence. Peers, music, movies, social media, and pornography have countless things to tell youth about sex and the violence that arises in its context. Boys need to be taught that they are capable of talking back.

Gordon Braxton serves as the Director of Men’s Involvement for Campus Outreach Services where he provides educational content to secondary schools, colleges, and community organizations. He is a proud civil servant residing in the Washington, D.C. area and shares his voice on violence prevention as a blogger and public speaker.

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